Athena

Early Fall Thoughts...

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends. --- Carrie Bradshaw. Of course.

She would say,..."Later today I got to thinking about hearts that are broken everyday", if they still had the episode run. Actually, it is more of my voice. My own voice...when I think about what kind of hearts outthere that are not as fragile as my own.

How do they survive, first of all? Do they suffer as much as what mine has been suffering? Do they reminisce as much as mine does? Do they get wounded over and over again thinking that they should learn something somehow overtime? Have their wounds ever healed? Has it ever occurred to them to close the door in the effort of being safe forever? I surely know that mine is not the worst case in this madness. (Though it sure feels like one) I just don't know if there is a system in my madness. The feeling is so intoxicating I cannot breath or think without over-analyzing unnecessary glimpse of past thoughts. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. But didn't. (Then back to "So why are you elaborating things too much in the past hour?!" Maybe I'm addicted to it now. Maybe I'll get over it by thinking about it til I drop.)

I happened to have a very nice conversation tonight with a new old friend (yes, really.) who never fails to encourage me to be solid in a way that he never acknowledges...:) No matter what the season brings. No matter how many times the season has changed this year. Just knowing that you always have a friend to talk...who may only be...a couple-of-freeways away or a couple-of-miles or thousand-of-miles away..or of course, a phone-call away can indeed spring your spirit up!

It is now September...the leaves are due to fall off one by one, the green color should turn to yellow...to dark yellow, then on to the brownish yellow and sooner than you think it turns brown, dark brown and those dramatic-looking branches are visible to you again from your bedroom window. The wind will blow your hair, the brisk fall breeze will make you chill when you walk on the street to get your coffee in the morning... and groceries at night, and fall will soon arrive. Again.

Almost a year from now I will have lived the ups-and-downs of my life in LA and left the lovely snow in NY. The snow that would both make my feet frozen and my heart warm.

No matter how much the wind blowing against my face (or mind), how frozen my feet and hands feel from the cold weather, how overly tired my eyes rewinding things beyond my consciousness or unconsciousness, I can never have my lively energy back without the every warmth of the heart of a friendship I have been blessed to have from the friends I love.

Thank you for your warm friendship:) Or a chocolicious Midnight Fantasy dessert, or a cup of cappuccino, or a drag of cigarette (or two) in a crisp early fall evening...

Cheers to life. And friendships around.

(Shouldn't we say, live life to the fullest again?) Hmmm.

Friends or Foe?

In the city of New York, I mean Los Angeles, the possibility of meeting new people is either an opportunity to spice up a pretentious scene over a martini and skinny cigarette surrounded by beautiful tanned moviestar-like people or...a bright red door to the beginning of a new chapter in life. Or so. Whether it's a bad chapter or a good chapter in life. It can be somewhat a beginning of something. Just be focused. Be present.

I'm talking about pleasure. Not business, as in business meeting with a new client, of course. Although, on some occassions, it can seem a little more like a business meeting.  I mean, who is this person I'm having a drink with? And why does everything we say is pretty scripted sounding? *Sigh* I need to go to the ladies room now! Maybe he'll go after another prospect. The meeting was adjourned. Until further notice.

Suddenly you'll find yourself talking to a new friend. Or he seems like a friends material at first. Wow, you think. This is incredible. I've never had this kind of connection with a new person before...you're talking all night long, covering all different things in life that should be covered (appropriately and accordingly) at the present time and you're looking back into their eyes and thinking...my new friend is different than the rest of them...he's so present... he's looking at you...into your eyes, your pupils even...he's amazing...he's not checking out that blonde girl behind you... and this could mean something good. OK, now stop right there.

My worst enemy: expectations. Forget about great expectations. Just expectations alone can be harmful to your precious being. Those expectations can be your enemy real soon. Once your new friend becomes a foe when they seem to jump to another chapter after he finishes the previous chapter with you for no apparent reason. And you had put all of your eggs in one basket and the basket dropped on the floor, leaving you with all the mess you need to clean up. By yourself. So stop having expectations at all. Until the sign is there. (I hope we can talk about the sign later when I know what kind of sign I will potentially see...I don't have the precise image just yet.)

I live and learn. In a hard way. Always. Multiple times, sometimes even over the same old story. And I thought I lived and learned, I said to myself one time. But I did the same mistake again! Tell me I learned something? Somebody tell me, please... I pray. Or more like, whispering to myself.

So, what is my point tonight? (This heat must have gotten me or something) My point is, you can always find a new 'friend' but be ready when they turn the table around and become your foe. It hurts for sure. But like one very good friend told me tonight, "Who likes a disappointment? Nobody. But that's how it is." That's the game, you either get happy or disappointed. And if you don't regret anything, then you'll win (and have enjoyed) the game too in a way. She's right. (As always:)

So as much as I dislike having or even considering having a foe in life, I guess you do need to set a line to stand up for yourself. A friend is someone you can trust. Definitely. We know that for sure. A foe, sadly enough, is the person of whom you cannot trust, feel uncomfortable by the way they make you feel (because they're good like that), who seems to be great at making you feel miserable, and may potentially hurt you. And you need not to be with them. Why do you even want to be with someone who hurts your feelings? You need to run away from them. Be their foe too. (That's harsh, isn't it?)

First and foremost destination: to the ladies room. Go powder your nose, pretty face!:) The night is still young.

Then...give your best, truest friends a group hug, the warmest one there is!