Athena

Nonsense of the Night...

Tonight feels so nice...summer weather is really here...although a bit warm inside the house, but as I leave the big window open in front of my computer I can feel the cooler air drafting through it, giving me the nice summer breeze in the valley...and I feel like I could be sitting here for hours. It is the first night I realized that a summer night is really beautiful here in LA. It's dry, not humid, and the night temperature in the valley in summertime is cooler than daytime---of which I am glad since I'm not home during the day!

My New Yorkers, you should really plan to come here sooner rather than later! I know the weather in New York is perfect at this time of the year, but perhaps you want to avoid the sticky and humid July or August by being on the gorgeous westcoast coastline and lay your butt here on the warm sand of California , in the breezy and cool ocean temperature of Malibu, Santa Monica, Laguna Beach, Dana Point, San Diego....anywhere along the coast. I know I've said it bizillion times that I will come to NY to visit since the beginning of the year, but believe me, I will! I left my heart there with you, how could I not allow myself to feel the old jubilant feelings again there!:) I even had some sweetdream/nightmare one night...me getting out of the subway on 53rd and 5th! Except that I was in my PJ and it was freezing cold with lots of snow?! Figure that one out. A mix of sweet and sour...wearing a PJ on 5th Ave...hehehe...I would make a false fashion statement on the swanky New Yorkers image.

Speaking of fashion, did you know that guys fall into two camps?

Yes, one camp is for the ones who wear good jeans and the other is for those who don't. I can't help but notice this. It's true! Check them out. I recently had a conversation with one of my girlfriends on the phone this weekend and we came across to the same agreement. Our experiences have proved us that we can't help but looking at how good (or bad) a guy's fashion sense is. Especially if that guy is the person we like or kind of like, or even the one who is on the brink of a dislike category, or even guys we are not acquainted to at all. Like the cute guy standing in the line in front of you, but sadly to say, does not have a fashion sense at all. Thus, I feel sorry for such beauty to be washed away by bad fashion skills. We have this big hope that he will fall on the #1 category, the one who has mastered the art of the blue jean. This may seem stupid and shallow. But I have to be honest. You have to be honest. Isn't chemistry listed at the top of the list? Don't you have to be attracted to the person in order to pursue? Aha. See, I'm not the only one. I am sure guys categorize the girls into more than two camps!!!

So, in my opinion, if the guy you're hanging out with does not wear the camp #1 jeans, I won't be able stop myself to feel a tad off inside. It's that ick factor. I know, it's bad, since you should not judge the book by its cover. But I won't be able to help it! Of course, it will be hard to tell them what you think on the spot (good thing that I have never experienced this awkwardness though, I wouldn't quite know how to say it *knock on wood*, but I have seen some unidentified victims all the time). Overtime, of course, the inner beauty will count more than the outer, and I think I would be happy to do some internship work with the person in the blue jean department when the time is right.  It's not about the brand per se, you see. It's a lot to do with the fit, the wash, the length. All those subtleties. Wouldn't you agree, camp #1 boys? (I am sure you would...because I trust you can distinguish the way you look in the #1... or the #2 pair. Afterall, you know it when you look that good!).

Anyways, enough of my pretentious little being. I blame it on too much sun in LA!

For your information only, none of my guy friends has ever fallen into the #2 camp category, thank goodness. So, you guys all passed with flying colors! I'm so proud of you! ha ha ha:) And yes, I will tell you right on the spot if you accidentally fall into the #2 camp, and I'll forgive you!

Then again, nobody is perfect. Let alone worrying about what kind of jeans the person is wearing, hoping that he or she will soon turn out to be a great companion is already tricky enough! Why sweat the small stuff, right?!

I need to sleep now and perhaps I may end up wearing bad jeans on Fifth Avenue in an hour...the ones that are hanging up all the way over my waist, baggy on the hips, narrowing down on the ankles, and show how huge my derriere looks!!! Whoaaa!#$!%!

Enough gobbledygook.

BITCH!

Thanks!

That's what you should say when they call you a bitch, girlfriends. Because you are a Babe In Total Control of Herself.

I laughed so hard when I read this philosophy from my good old dear friend Julia's blog, after another good old friend told me to read her recent post. Sure enough tonight I just had to do it and couldn't help myself to copy and paste it to my own. Just a quick mental note to self that life is a bitch and sometimes it pays when you are a bitch, for a good cause, of course. For those of you who can relate to what this whole piece of bitchology means, I know you are one of the people who know what they want for themselves in life, know how to get it, and know how to stand up for themselves when life is a bitch to them.

Never bitchy to others, but do think like a bitch.

Confused? Just read on.

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I
hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Yes, I can pretty much handle anything at this point. I've gone through painful journeys, routes, paths...enough that I can say to you I will be okay even if you try to tell me that you are the next person who may hurt me. 'Coz then again, what's a delightful feeling without knowing what a painful feeling is! The pain doesn't scare me. It's like music to my numbness. But don't take me for granted just because you don't know what you want but yet you advance on to taste my beauty. Because once you do, I will never turn my head around. I know I have a soft spot for a melodramatic moment. I can't help it at times and it's all because I am a woman with feelings. Sensitive feelings. But at least I know what I want and, I want what I want, and there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. I stand up for my beliefs.

This bitch takes risks.

Summertime...

...And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high...

Happy long Memorial Day Weekend!

Happy barbecuing, happy gorgeous days bathing in the sun and on the beach, happy daydreaming while basking, and perhaps some of you will even get intoxicated by some summer love...then the living should be easy.

As the summer starts to kick in, the weather gradually jumps even hotter here in LA, especially the valleys. As my old tweed and wool suits desperately need to be replaced by light cotton (or silk?!) ensembles instead, I feel a bounce of excitement as I approach the sunnier days. Don't know why I am so excited everytime summertime comes by. Must be the sun and the images of the never-ending playtime I can do on weekends in this hot season. I know I hate to bathe myself in the hot sun, for the melodramatic reason that many other races do not understand why. I do NOT want to get any tanner than I already am. Please. When people get this nice golden tan when they bake in the sun, I get this burn, with a deep-reddish-pink-mixed-with-brown combo that turns into completely different color after I take a shower...a darker shade of super duper dark grayish brown! Ick. Don't get me wrong. I loooooove the ocean. I just don't like to "tanner" myself in the hot sun that can notoriously damage your skin anyway. So, if you want, we can go to the beach when the clock is close to the time when the sun sets, when the sun is not at its full-fledged energy shining on you, grinning or smirking at me.

Yes, summertime can definitely thrill me for no apparent reason. One time the reason was being in love. So maybe that one. Then, maybe it's also because of multiple thoughts of buying more of those summer dresses and shoes. I am always excited when it comes to spring and fall with the leaves blooming or falling and all. But with summertime, you just can't deny yourself that it's actually playtime altogether. Whereas spring and fall are more melancholy in the beginning then captivating toward the middle and end, in a very seducing way. Summertime is the teenage kicks of all of the four seasons. That is why, no matter how my spring looked like before, I know this summertime will be both stimulating and delightful!

Well, for whatever the reason may be, I know for sure that I am willing to make the upcoming summertime the best season of all here, if not in NY. I miss New York soooo much, like crazy! So I'm thinking of flying there sometime in July now. Maybe for one week or something. Perhaps for the extravagant fireworks displayed in the evening of picturesque Manhattan sky...as the whole city "celebrates" my birthday...Hmm. That would be quite nice. Very tempting. I am really taking this thought as a serious consideration. That would be a memorable celebration of the year to me;)

I miss the classic movies at Bryant's Park. I miss the acid jazz, bossa nova concerts at the museums (having wine, of course). I miss the subway and its hot air and my drops of sweats, due to the delayed arrival of the express train. I miss walking for blocks in summer, wearing flipflops. I miss hailing the cab when I get too tired to walk again. I miss going into random cafes in the village, Soho, or throughout the city. I miss feeling hot and sticky. I miss shopping at Bendel's after work, during lunch...(I wonder if shopping at Bendel's is mainly motivated by  the sweetness look on the beautiful-and-chic brown and white colored stripes on its adorable shopping bags), I miss wandering around Fifth Ave,  windowshopping-red. Plus, not to mention, the occasional margarita drinks on Fridays, that lived up to my bonding standards between the company and me!

Downtown LA looked like a ghost town by 2 o'clock this afternoon as I grabbed two chicken fajitas from McDonald's. (After seeing too many options with too little brain to absorb, Mc Donald's was the winner of the day---I had not known that they had had the fajitas there before). Cheap and fast. I went back to my office to eat at my desk and we called it quits for the day at 3. So no wonder nobody was around on the streets of downtown at that hour anymore! It seemed like noone wanted to stay. Ah. I forgot. We are all accustomed by the corporate America's way to leaving early on the Friday before a long weekend. Of course they all left without turning back, not even to the food court, eager to enjoy the three-day weekend as fast as possible. Well, and so did I. As excited as I have been about the new job, I quickly cleaned up my desk and headed to the door, found my car and drove away, looking forward to summer days...

Facing the start of easy playtime. The start of summertime weekends with a kick of freedom in the air.

Happy summer, everyone! Do it right, dahlink. Work hard. Play hard. It's a good balance, all for the sake of your dignity...

...One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky...

A Piece of Nu Yawk...

...my career that is.

After months of repeated reminiscing, wishing, dreaming, missing, complaining and pondering ever since I moved back to LA, I am thrilled to finally be able to have a piece of home-sweet-home feel at work, a little piece of New York that will constantly charm and enlighten me as I fully delight my career in the world of finance, here in the city of angels. A little piece of New York that will stay as a constant reminder to me of how gratified life was with having the dream job that I loved, being in the city that I admired.  A little piece of the city I take in my heart that offers significant meaning to my little world.

The day that I had been waiting for to shine again finally arrived. Monday was a big day for me as I was welcomed back into the continuation path of my career at US Trust, re-joining the good old firm of whom I dedicated myself fully for the keen five years of living in always-and-forever-beloved New York City. First day at work had never felt so good and exciting!

In lieu of gratitudes to all of the people, family and friends who gave me full string of support and generosity, there is this one good friend of whom I just met in spring and who literally had to put up a lot with the orchestra of my complaints, pessimism, weakness, and stubbornness. He is by far the most analytical person that I have turned to so many times for inspiration, determination, and courage. (He is probably annoyed by me countless times too at some point! Ha ha.) He gave me moral and material support...you should read this Career Continuation Guide book he lent me (of which still has not been returned to him). No wonder he's good at what he does. For all that he taught and guided me, I can never say enough thank yous to him.

..."You have what it takes, Dian.  You just need to toughen up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.  If you do, I promise you that your future is going to change."..."Hit milestones.  Through constant hard work you will achieve your goal." His words are still clear to my ears. Tell me if those words are not triumphant enough to make you move on from your misery and do something about it! He doesn't like it when I say I look up to him in many ways, but I do.

"Be strong.  Be confident.  Be positive." Erwin, you have proved your point (yes, again!). I thank you from the bottom of my heart one more time for taking the time and going out of your way to give me all of the support and courage to learn from my mistake, develop an action plan and stick with it, to focus on the present and future. Because of you, I got back my precious little piece of New York, happy and content with my job again---the feeling that I had been missing to have for a loooong time in the past five months and what seemed to be such an agony---, and because of you, I really know the true meaning of what Confucius had to say...

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall."

...and of course, the infamous Murphy's Law can still be thrown in whenever in doubt: "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

New York, New York, I will make you proud of me one more time.

***I promise I will return the magic book!!!***

Swell Time!

What could you ask more from a bestfriend who is always, I repeat, ALWAYS, there for you, in bad and good times, always on your side forever more?

There is nothing like having a swell time with them!

And Putri, is one of a kind. She knows me too well. Hi hi hi. It's always a good thing because she keeps me up on my toes and snaps me back to reality just like that, knowing what a dreamer her friend here is. She is the kind of great friend you always can rely to, no matter what stage you are in at the moment, because of her sense of humor and intelligence, she can make you realize about the things you didn't realize before. It's like having a second set of eyes. No, three sets of eyes. Or four. She's that good.

So, eventhough her "maid-of-honor" title was "laid off" months ago, she still performed the duty very very well indeed yesterday  night. Ha ha ha. I could have not asked for more. I am very honored to have been served by her outstanding hospitality!

A swell time in Pasadena.

I arrived in my super comfortable slumber outfit: white cotton PJ pants and super soft baby T. Hair situation: bed head and tousled. Makeup situation: chapped and dry lips, mascara smeared, powder gone with the wind. But who cares.

Starting with the ever-so-delightful, quick-and-easy the Indonesian " 3 in 1 Instant Coffee Mocacinno" coffee from her coffee jar in the kitchen (I had been up since 6am, this old body needed a boost for these teenage kicks!), I quickly got giddy with excitement. How could I not be?! She told me the "menu" and it was already sold before it was even marketed to me. She told me to hurry up finishing my mocacinno so we could start with the real goodies. "Yes, Put.", I obeyed. (I always obey her although she thinks I never listen to her).

Sangria had been chilled in the fridge, along with chicken quesadillas, pan pizza, and topped with Dulce de Leche Caramel cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory!!! Not to mention some silly movie after movie, some friendship love, some laughters, some girltalks, some somethin' somethin' for more. I was overjoyed.

We should do this more often! She is always a great hostess. Impressed with her ability to put together ingredients to make yummy quesadillas (I enjoyed listening to her trailed and repeated funny little arguments--more like orders to me--she had with her sister's friend in the kitchen to accomplish this task), I gulped down multiple quesadillas into my mouth after taking three slices of pizzas on the kitchen counter together with her and Retno. (We were not even able to reach the coffee table and sit down before we pigged out). Tummy bulging. Faces smiling. Heart happy. Talks began.

Four glasses of super delicious Sangria filled with picking-from her-own-garden oranges and one Jessica Alba's silly movie later, I dozed off for about ten minutes (I think) on her cozy pillowed couch until I heard her voice barking something at me. I cannot remember what she actually said but I think she wanted to keep me up hahaha. OK, so I was alert again and that power nap kept me up for more goodies on the table. This time was the most sinful dessert of the night...Dulce de Leche Caramel cheesecake. She knows me so well. My dinner motto, to never pass up on the dessert no matter how full your stomach is, was easily applied. Dellllliiiiisssshhhhhhh!

Sugar high indeed. See what I mean by having a swell time? Good friends and dessert accompanied by yacking 'til you drop! I was probably babbling for another hour or so before we hit the pillow. Boy, that was geeeeeewddd...

Putri had prepared the guest room soooo cozy and cuddly for me I felt like sleeping in a five-star hotel room with a home-sweet-home feel. It was way past midnight when I brushed my teeth, washed my face, said good night to my wonderful bestfriend, her understanding husband and her lovely sister, then peacefully I slipped into the fluffiness of multiple blankies...(she repeatedly insisted I needed another layer of blanket!)

I thanked God one more time for giving me great, loving and caring friends around, for all of His blessings, including blessings in disguise, of which I have acknowledged their existence for at least once in the past six months...

Meanwhile, the handsome little prince baby Mondrian continued to sleep peacefully in his crib, unaware of his surrounding or what the world has to offer...as I watched him sleep, I imagined that he too will become a very affectionate and compassionate person like his mother, with all the charms of a prince to a princess one day...a charming heartbreaker that is, the kind of whom we always think of fondly and sweetly by all means of adoration. The kind who will keep a princess smile and happy...

Thank you Put, for all that you are to me. I love you dearly. Thank you for being there for me at all times.

To all of my fabulous girls in New York, LA, Hawaii, Singapore, Jakarta and around the globe : I LOVE YOU ALL!!! And I miss you like crazy. Perhaps one fine day we can all be together with lots of love, hugs and kisses in the air. Ah, and yes, endless girltalks over desserts, too. I miss you!!!

Irma, come back to LA soon!!! You missed and have been missed a lot:)

XOXO.

May 20th.

One touching day of my life.

For something blue, something borrowed, something called love and dedication.

Dedication...

I couldn't deny the feelings that started to well up inside me in the first hour I tasted the gloomy morning as I drove 405 South for the last time at 8.30 AM, on a Saturday...destination: Santa Monica, 4th and Arizona. The bank on the corner.

After what had seemed to be the longest two weeks of my life at the bank on the corner in Santa Monica waiting for May 20th to come, with all the excitement of going back to the beloved (yes, I loved working for them) company I used to work for in New York for some five years, for the first time in my 5-month dedication at the bank on the corner, I felt really sad of leaving them behind. The people I have acquainted well in the past five months since (mostly) 9am to (mostly again) 7.30pm are now undoubtly among the list of the people that will always be memorable to me in the years to come...Although I may have not been the most dedicated employee in their history, I really had a great working relationship with everyone of them. I liked every single teller, fellow banker, and of course, the client, the customer (regardless of the number of digits popped up in their account). Of course I had some challenging moments with them but at the end of the day, I am as happy as a clam when I see them smile because I have made a difference in their day, if not life.

So today was the day. I really absorbed every minute of it. I took everything all in, with all my heart. I know it sounds silly. But I said this before, I follow my heart too much. Even when I am on duty as a banker. So, today, I took all the time to listen to every personal life story that the client so happened to share with me. I don't know why, but I usually felt very connected with most of them throughout the day and maybe because of the energy I created on my unconscious level, they just felt comfortable enough to share the nonbanking-related information, of which I always gladly jumped in and the next thing I knew was the story I heard was so touching and inspiring and sometimes even gave me a different perspective of looking at my everyday life. Like the one who blessed  and blew me kisses everytime I met her and told me that I was an angel because I opened up a path for her in between the language barrier---it was so hard to understand her broken English--- when she almost lost hope on her life due to her illness and inability to pay her medical bills. Someone who had wished that her illness would go away someday, not by being cured, but by her being taken away to heaven...but I am so glad that I could be there to help her and she no longer hopes for the heaven route, instead, with all of her courage to live, she wants to be able to work again and make a living. I mean, take that for the spirit of life at a late age. I'm going to miss her. I hugged and kissed her, yes, I almost cried, wished her well and planted a faith in her that her dream would come true if she kept on believing. Yes, I'm a personal banker with personal touch...

That was just one of many examples of the conversations I got involved in while performing my banker duties at the bank on the corner.

I am surprised that I am really going to miss the breezy and cool Santa Monica weather, the smell of the ocean when I walked out of the office at night. Although, I am not going to miss the smell of the infamous 'bums city' citizens.

I sadly said good bye and wished all of my coworkers all the continued successes in the future and promised to always keep in touch. It really hit me, I guess. That I won't be laughing when not cussing at our exciting day with them anymore. I got a very nice cake that red "Good Luck, Dion".  I even forgave them for misspelling my name. I wasn't there long enough to get them used to my "distinguished" Indonesian name. Not Diane. Not Diana. Not Dion. It's  D, I, A, N. Well, it's ok. You can call me anyway you like on my last day :) It brought me to tears and smile when they surprised me with the cake. They were really so sweet and thoughtful. They went out of their way to wish me well. They are even throwing me a party next week...I almost feel so guilty leaving them....

I know I am going to miss them as well...

My bestfriend Putri called and asked, "Jadi, nyesel gak?". Well, to be honest, "Enggak." is the answer. No matter how much I liked them all, someone needs to care for me, someone who loves me, someone who knows me best for my happiness. That someone is me, myself and I. Noone else, and even with sad tears rolling down, while looking into their eyes when saying goodbye and giving each one of them a kiss on their cheek, with the guilt trip, I am still very much excited about my new endeavor at the old, home-sweet-home, company I will be working for again. It is a piece of New York that will be with me every day now starting May 22nd...

Love...Love...Love...

Right now, right at this hour: 6.28PM. It would have been the happiest day of my life. I would have finished vowing and uttering words I could have never taken back, right before the presence of thirty white doves, beautiful blue ocean, and Laguna Niguel sunset....pink and brown nuances.

Through the ups and downs of roller-coaster rides in the past six months, today was created and meant to be the perfect day to start a new pink-and-brown pallet. In love and dedication to life. Over the same sunset and blue sky, without the blue ocean or white doves, I vow that I too can always be a complete and content person even if I have to stand alone to make me happy. With or without you.

Nothing more to utter now.

***Thanks to my Putri, still performing her honorable duties, making me sangria drinks and perhaps helping me forget what an evening would have been tonight***

"It's not you, it's me."

Back in the good ol' days I felt so sure that I was one of those lucky people who had the greatest relationship of all. The kind that gives you the "home sweet home" feel whenever you are cared and loved by that special person. The kind that makes you be the way you are, without shame, doubt, or hesitation. The kind that provides you that comforting support and strength when overcoming any obstacles in your life. The kind that gives so much peace in mind and security in soul. The kind that you wake up to every morning looking for the person and feeling simply happy to hear a warm "hello" to start your day with a smile. The kind that you (think) cannot live without. The kind that gives so much addiction to love and be loved. Happy and in love.

The kind that you CAN live without right now as we speak. The kind that makes you a stronger person now, dear.

Now you can see that those red flags that you previously had ignored in the beginning of the journey did catch up with you at the end and when potential problems came on board, they stayed put and saturated with you. My fellow heartbreakees and heartbreakers, we know, if it did not measure up to your expectations then, it will mostly never measure up today nor tomorrow.

What you see is what you get.

You can NEVER change a person. NEVER!

There is nothing wrong with having great expectations. High hopes. But only when accompanied by logic and reality. The truth. You shall not blind your eyes that the truth is what hurts your feelings. In the long run, it won't be good for your health, dear friend. So if you still think that you can change a person's unsatisfying objectives or behaviors that don't meet your standards in the future while they are with you, it will only get worse than it is now... because people tend to change less when they feel secure enough in their current comfort zone.

It takes two to tango. You have a choice. Either you're in or out of the game. It takes a full-fledged teamwork to accomplish a common destination. It requires the same amount of contribution to fullfil your mutual desire to be satisfied, respected, recognized, and valued. Never settle for less.

Unfortunately, LOVE alone is NOT everything.

Breaking up is hard to do. But sometimes, somebody has to do the dirty job. It does suck when you think of it, let alone going through it. I hate that feeling. I always want to chew myself to pieces when going through it. I hate swallowing the bloody fact. It hurts so much. It does not matter if you are the dumper or dumpee. You are in that awkward, strange, cold, moment with the person that once was very close to you, that was even once believed to be your soulmate, but now they seem so out of reach from where you stand. Even if you still love them.

"You are a very nice person, but it's not working out. It's not you, it's me." So cliche. But never passe. One ironically funny sentence used to get away with murder. Be it at the early stage or highly mature stage of the relationship. It's a breakup fiasco. Noone likes it. Strictly business. Do it, get done with it, get over it, move on.

Yeah, move on. Don't you hate that when people say it to your ear over and over again? Easy to say than do. I agree. Too many memories, too many love songs, too many pictures, too much reminiscing. It hurts too much. Yeah, I know, dear. I know for sure. But you know what, life is all about pains. Growing pains. You just have to see it in a bigger picture than zoning out to your melancholy. Swallow the pains. Make an action plan. Focus on the present and future. You will be fine. You will be just fine. A good friend told me this awhile ago.

Believe me, you too will admit one day, that it is quite amazing at the end of the tunnel how you see the light shining through because of how you set yourself up conquering the stumbling block. It is what makes YOU happy that can keep YOU content with who you are. Not anyone else. It is YOU. YOU are the one who cares most about you and loves you the most. And you know when you're not happy, so do not ignore those guts. You may not see how you can be happy again right now and it is acceptable. But take this measurement: if you feel that you are relieved in a way when a breakup is a done deal, no matter how bad the whole ordeal is, if you feel that a big, heavy weight has been lifted off of your shoulder even when you are still having flash backs with tears, you know that you are doing the right thing, darling luv.

Even if you think you have found your true love. Love is not everything. It's sad but true. Believe in love, but you keep your mind intact, and open up your heart to changes. Remember, a change is the door to new and exciting opportunities that you may have overlooked before. .So, look forward to it!

It is time to shine again now and get yourself another dirty martini with lots of olives if you feel like it! Now, now. Not too much, please. Your skin still needs to glow with you the next morning! And sometimes, a retail therapy can come in handy too to a single, independent gal like me...and you *wink*. We can always have another pretty shoes to go with our work outfit! Why not.

XOXO.

My Way.

Gazing out past through the darkness in the sky, the stars seem to lose their sparkle bit by bit tonight. Sort of like my heart when it goes through a downfall from time to time. And without a doubt I take it all in once again.

As Frank Sinatra filling up the air with My Way...the white lily scented candle flickering, intoxicating my breath...I am staring at the window and wishing upon a star...whispering that may the stars soon twinkle again and perhaps by that time, Frank will fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars and let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.

But for now...I'll sing along with Sinatra, be careless as to whether I should be happy or sad. I don't know where life takes me but I do know that I'll just do it my way again tonight, with or without looking back...

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and ev’ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

***May the cotton-candy clouds cheer me up again tomorrow. My precious little clouds.

I Am 16 Going on 17...

...I know that i'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe...

(The Sound of Music, my all-time favorite movie!)

I am no longer 16. Far far away from that number these days. Ha! But I can vividly see myself back then when I was 16...yes, when I willingly believed I was naive. I don't think 14 years somewhat later changed me more than a tad doze. There is a difference as how I see the world before my eyes, though. I see it from a different angle. This real world. Revised: this crazy but wonderful real world. This aching but fulfilling real world...

Yes, fellows I meet may still tell me I'm sweet and naive and mostly because I still don't know much about things in this life---quite saddening---and I swallow every life experience that comes by, good or bad, with my heart. I constantly overlook negativity in people because I believe that most people are naturally nice and genuine and yes, I do believe that there are no real bad people afterall. (I know.) Bad behaviors, bad mind, bad manners, only arise under pressure, people are not unpretentiously dreadful. We choose to be bad or good. I see the glass half full. I'd always love to turn negativity into positivity, pessimism into optimism, only by following my heart, doing things by heart, saying things from my heart. But I follow my heart too much at times. (My dad confirms this precisely). It takes me to nice rewards but it also often gets me into nuisance. I rise and fall, and rise again, still hope for the best on the next opportunity, with the strongest heart possible. But, yet still lose my grip at times, even if I still hang on to my heart and use my mind, maybe because I am still 16 in many ways...

Except for one thing these days. I lived by myself when I was 16 since my dad had to be relocated for a career move out of town,which caused the whole family but me to tag along with him. Well, I now live back with my parents at the age of 30. Wonderful! After living by myself in the five years I was in NY, I could spend pages on this blog to tell you how different it feels and how I miss living by myself again, having my own territory, escalating my own freedom of life, walking around naked (joking!). You can pretty much figure that out. No curfews then, no curfews now, though. Glad that one has been established since I was 16. Almost six months and counting I have been a teenager again to mom and dad but let me tell you something, you're always a baby to them anyway. And it's a blessing, really. I had never seen my mom and dad so excited to spend quality time together with me the whole day like the one we just had last Sunday. I never thought that they would miss me that much in our barbecue or shopping rituals. I never thought having their daughter back at home would give them that glowy look in their eyes.

Nice and sweet. That's for sure. Living as if I was still 16 is not as bad as I thought it would be, although I promised myself I would look for a place of my own again soon. This bedroom is way too packed now. And I want to serve dinners again, all to myself, watching Sex and the City reruns til I drop from drinking wine. No, I'm not an alcoholic. And yes, I would really really love to invite friends for dinners again as well. I promise I won't burn the meal. It's been awhile.

So, would I ever want to go back being 16 again? No, but I could always use some sweetness to keep seeing the glass half full in life ahead. And perhaps a little bit of naiveness would somehow comfort me when the glass is actually half empty.

After all, life is not perfect, and I am never perfect.

All that Sparks, Baby!

Ever felt that tingling, butterfly feeling inside your tummy whenever you think of someone you barely know but yet has been on your mind constantly? Have you ever had your heart skipped a beat when you hear their name...or see their name flashing on your cell phone screen, and perhaps, even jump at answering it? Have you ever felt so nervous but yet so excited knowing that you will see the person, the one who has been running on your mind, in an hour or two? Your heart is beating faster. Your head is spinning. Your palms are sweating. You run around for nothing. You keep telling yourself to be cool. You don't know what to do. You won't know what to do. You're delirious.

I know I have.

Chemistry. Connection. That bond. S-P-A-R-K-S!

You can always tell by the first kiss, they say. Even better: before the first kiss.

Meeting new people is always interesting to me. Getting to know them is another thing. Either you like them or you don't like them. Either you feel instinctively comfortable with the person or you feel forced to be comfortable with them. Either you like spending time and talking with them or you feel like there is too much effort in making even the simplest conversation with them, let alone going to see them again. Either you open up yourself all the more to them or you don't even feel like saying a word. (And I know myself. A bubbly self like me wouldn't take much in effort to just say a word if I was interested!) Sure the person is nice. Smart. Funny. Intelligent. Successful. All good on paper. But you can't force yourself into creating that good of a chemistry in you if it just doesn't exist. Even if you are looking for just fun. It won't work. You can't try to "create" that bond if your heart or mind, or both, are not into it, to sort of help. And surely you can't think too hard to wonder why you're not feeling it in you. It's just not there. Flat. Dull. Sluggish. Lousy. You can't lie to yourself that you're not into them that much, much, or at all. You just have to be honest to yourself. Not even a promiscuous move at its highest potential will help.

First kiss tells everything. Hmm, confirms, I may say.

Have you ever felt this hot, fever-like, cheek-burning blood rush when you are kissed by the first time? Thought it was so magical? Tender and shivering? Felt the goose bumps? Mind blowing? Knees weakening? Fingers trembling? Eyes closed, of course.

*Sigh*, Yes.

Now that's not a dull moment. Those sparks are commencing. Make sure you're not drunk. Yet.

Love that moment.

No, not when you're drunk. The moment when I am kissed in such sparks flowing like butterflies in my stomach.

OK, then you can drink the wine and be drunk. Drunk of chemistry. High on living in the moment.

You wonder how long it will last. You ponder how you can make it last.

Please last, you pray.

Then I ask myself: will that chemistry still spark even when that name is no longer flashing on your cell phone as much? Will you still jump on your feet answering it once the name flashes again?

Can chemistry be forgotten and vanished in thin air?

Can someone new, good-on-paper type of person, take your mind off of that feeling? Can the same connection be repeated??? I'm afraid no.

Songs and smells will bring you back to a moment in time more than anything else. It is amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song or a solitary whiff of a place. A room you didn't even know had a particular smell. You wonder what will someday bring back those happy hours memory. Maybe the smell of the coffee brewing from a cappuccino. Maybe the scent of the Stella perfume I've been wearing all spring.

Sparks, sparks. You captivate me.

My FIRST Love

Walking in to a studio full of mirrored walls, with classical music in piano filled the air, I felt beyond joyful to finally step into my first ballet class dressed in a baby blue leotard, pink tights, pink ballet shoes, hair in a bun tied in a pink satin ribbon. Me, 8 years old. Falling in love for the very first time with the spell of ballet.

No days since then I have ever stopped feeling so alive, stirred in so much emotion and glee every time I see ballet, do ballet, think of ballet.

I am not a perfect dancer, nor that I ever consider myself that talented. A far cry from a prima ballerina.

But I know something. 22 years later, the passion and affection I have for ballet is still alive. It has been my bundle of joy, my clover of melancholy, my profound ecstasy. It simply makes me happy, content, high on life.

I miss being on stage every now and then. I miss teaching those bouncy little princesses in their cute little tutu and tiara. Reminds me of those old days.

So I stepped into my pink ballet slippers again today. Dressed in all black this time (which deceives naked eyes a tad, in the efforts of looking kind of lean to the mirrors). No tutus. No tiaras. Only a spur of excitement. A spur that always lasts.

I made a comeback after months of negligence. It was like riding a bike. Except that I wobbled, grasping for a desperate balance many times. Port de bras in adagio relaxed my quivering muscles. Pique turns and pirouettes made me dizzy! I had to hold on to my dear life at the barre for a few minutes. Never had that before! I'm getting old. Still love arabesques and attitudes. Phew. Some things don't really go away.

What a feeling. What a joy. What a cramp!

One thing for sure: I will never stop dancing ballet. Even when I'm 72, wrinkled and all.  It was what kept me going and it always will.

Just like being in love, I am drawn completely and utterly into it once I slip into the spellbound.

This first love never dies wherever life takes me. It keeps me up on my toes!